Sometimes I need a little motivation during sex, which is why I only sleep with cheerleaders.
I’ve never thought of sex as hard work, but this morning at breakfast my girlfriend fired me.
Today I heard the nicest insult. A skinny woman called a big woman a Plus Size Bitch. She could have used the F-Word, but I was happy she took the high road.
My wife’s pet name for me is Sugar Poppa, and my name for her is Tyra Banks. I don’t see the problem.
I’m 6’3 and my girl is 5’7, but with her new eyebrows she now looks about 5’10.
In another 50 years from now people will be asking which came first, macaroni & cheese or Kraft dinner?
Met this guy who said he was a glass blower. I was thinking who says that, who does that? Him: Smiling. Me: Hoping that wasn’t a pick up line.
Walking against the wind is never a good idea for a guy in a t-shirt with a fat gut and man boobs.
Ladies, if you’re dating a guy and he constantly complains about his burning bum… he may not be that into you.
I told my grandfather that he was getting fat, and he said, "Meee, fat, nooo, I just have an extremely high build up of sperm". I couldn’t bring myself to ask him how the sperm got into his belly. #raisedeyebrowmoment
It was about 85 degrees out and my shirt was clinging to me like sticky rice. She asks:Are you sweating? Me: No, that’s just my body crying. #dumbassquestions
Would it really be endearing or gross if my heart was actually on my sleeve?
I’m telling the truth. I’m not fat, my belly is.
If I was a real hot girl I’d selfie myself all the time. #NotWhatItSoundsLike
Loving Big Brother. I’d be a great contestant. I’ve spent 40 years in my parents house and I’m not going anywhere.